A Mother for Yachiru
by Barbellenel
Summary: Yumichika and Ikkaku are looking for a mother for Yachiru and find an unlikely candidate ... or two. Not yaoi.
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I do not own Bleach; I just like to have fun with it. I've struggled with this one. Not sure I like it, but I hope you do. It will be published in three chapters. Enjoy.

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><p>"We've got a runner!"<p>

The guards had to give her credit - the fleeing woman was fast. She dashed across the courtyard like a hunted rabbit. With the guards of the eleventh in heated pursuit, she grabbed the nearest object to hide behind. Unfortunately for her, that object happened to be slender Kira Izuru, vice captain of the third and not a particularly good hiding place. He was accompanying his friend, Shuuhei Hisagi, vice captain of the ninth, on a mission to deliver an important sweets catalog to Captain Ukitake.

The girl cowered behind Kira, hiding as best she could from her own division members, ruddering him this way and that in order to keep him between herself and the guards. "Help me," she squeaked out in scarcely more than a whisper.

Kira glanced at Hisagi who shrugged, then turned to look at the terrified woman. He startled as he recognized her as a member of the eleventh under Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa. His surprised balk was all the opening the guards needed. Roughly shoving Kira aside, they grabbed the crying girl by the arms, dragging her back to the line.

"No respect for an officer," said a disgusted Hisagi as he grabbed his best friend's arm to help him keep his balance.

"I'm kind of used it, Shuuhei," said Kira gently, watching them cart her off, "but I wonder what could make a woman from the eleventh so fearful? They're tough as nails."

"Let's see, classical literature? Opera? Hair curlers? A shower?"

The other elbowed him in the side. "Be nice," Kira chided. He jerked his head in the retreating girl's direction. "Think we should investigate?"

Shuuhei scanned the area, narrowing his eyes at what he saw. While it was Vice Captain Hisagi's sworn duty to personally hand-deliver Captain Ukitake's favorite sweets catalog each month and he had never failed in that task, something about the odd scene before them made him temporarily set aside his sacred mission. Ikkaku Madarame, Yumichika Ayasegawa, a table covered with papers and a line of terrified women from the eleventh. What was wrong with this picture? He nodded to Kira. "Definitely."

"How many more, Ikkaku?" Yumichika massaged his fingers through his hair to ease away the massive headache that was threatening to explode in his brain. He was a naturally beautiful man, he made everyone say so, but this headache was going to turn his regular beauty nap into a necessity instead of the luxury that he had always considered it.

Rubbing his red-rimmed eyes, his bald partner glanced up from his paperwork. He watched for a moment as Yumi ran his fingers through his raven locks. Was it too much to ask for a little bit of hair so that he too could have something to massage? He sighed. "Too many. Kill me now."

Yumi turned a cynical eye towards the other. "Then who would kill me?"

"That's your problem."

"That's not very charitable of you." Taking a sip of water, Yumi considered their current situation. They were seated in the courtyard in front of their eleventh division headquarters at a table stacked with papers and forms. A line of brooding women from the eleventh stood before them, guarded fiercely by the male members of that division. After interrogating the women all day long in the hot afternoon sun, both men were at the end of their limited patience. "We could just wait and tell Kenpachi that we failed. Double homicides are so to die for this season," Yumi reasoned.

Ikkaku scowled. "Stop looking on the bright side. You know that annoys me." He motioned to the line of unhappy women, then crooked his index finger at the recaptured girl. "You're next, Sweetheart." She was pulled from the line and brought before the two soul reapers.

"You've got a lot of spunk, I'll give you that," said Yumichika, waving a pen at her. "As a matter of fact, you might be perfect. I think we found our girl. What do you think, Ikkaku?"

Before the other could speak, the girl's knees buckled beneath her, and she crumpled to the ground in an unconscious heap.

Yumi sighed, "Oh, dear. She had such promise."

Slapping the table in disgust, Ikkaku ordered, "Guards, take her away. Fainters aren't any good to us at all."

As if on cue, five other girls suddenly dropped to the ground in feint faints.

He stood and glowered at them over the table. "Fake ass girls. Since when do members of the eleventh faint? We're going to have to be tougher in our training, Yumi."

As Ikkaku sat down with a thud, Yumichika sighed again, "I suppose I should put those five out of their misery, Ikkaku. Do be a dear and lend me your sword. I don't want to have to clean a bloody Fuji Kujaku. He demands spa time, you know."

Ikkaku pouted, "I thought it was my turn to kill someone."

"I won't let you kill anyone other than me," Yumi fumed. "I'm bored and I'm miserable. If you won't kill me to put me out of my misery," he pointed towards the women on the ground, "then what makes you think that I'm going to trust you to kill them? If I can't be dead, then they can't be dead either, unless I get to be the one who kills them."

"I wasn't in the mood to kill you earlier, but I am now. Nag. Nag. Nag."

"That's insulting! I do not nag. I gently remind you over and over again about your inadequacies, one of which is that you don't have the balls to kill me when I ask you to."

"Hey, I asked you to kill me first!"

While they argued, the fainters, realizing that their ploy to escape a fate worse than death had merely brought death a lot closer, scrambled to their feet. The other women helped the five fakers blend back into the line. They moved quickly and the guards did nothing to stop them. No one wanted to see their division decimated because of a crazed fight between their third and fifth seats about who was going to kill whom first.

When Yumi finally glanced over towards where they had been, he saw only tamped down grass. "Oh, shut up, Ikkaku. We lost them. Now we don't know who to kill."

"Kill 'em all. They're useless to us," he declared. "None of them have what we're looking for." A huge sigh of relief and weeping rushed through the women. They all knew that being dead was a lot better than what had been planned for them.

"And what exactly is it that you're looking for?" asked Hisagi, stepping up from behind and whacking them both on the head with the rolled-up sweets catalog. He placed his lean body on the edge of the table as Kira wandered up to peer over Yumichika's shoulder.

Yumi swatted at both of them like flies. "None of your business! Can't you see we're busy? Unless you have sunscreen or a desire to kill me, go away."

Hisagi tapped his lower lip. "Hmm, tempting."

"Hisagi," scolded Kira.

He rolled his eyes at the blond, then turned back to the papers in front of Yumichika. "We're not leaving until you tell us what you're doing. Kira almost got mauled back there, no thanks to you." He snatched up the top paper in Yumi's pile and handed it to Kira.

"Give that back!" Yumi gave a half-hearted swipe at the papers, but he was too tired to really care. After five hours, it had become increasingly evident that Kenpachi had asked for the nigh impossible. Even worse, his delicate skin was starting to blister so he really should kill Hisagi for not bringing sunscreen.

The blond held the paper out of reach. "Shuuhei, listen to this! '_Application for Marriage …_'"

"One of you wants to get married?" Hisagi laughed. "No wonder these girls are running."

"You are _so_ not pretty," sneered Yumi.

Clearing his throat, Kira continued, "_Application for Marriage to Kenpachi Zaraki. The applicant agrees to marry Kenpachi Zaraki and be the mother to Kenpachi's ward, Yachiru Kusajishi. The marriage is to be in name only, except for the rearing of Yachiru. Said chosen mother will provide training in the ladylike ways so that Yachiru might grow up to be feminine, charming and able to find her own husband with minimal force.'_"

Hisagi's eyes opened wide. "So you two are out here forcing women to interview to be Kenpachi's wife?"

Kira raised his already impossibly high eyebrows. "Is this for real?"

Yumi looked a little stricken by the criticism. "Only the women from our squad. And we're not really looking for a wife. We're looking for a mother. Someone who can help Yachiru through her formative years. Kenpachi's not exactly up on the feminine hygiene products, you know."

Hisagi raked his hand through his hair. "Does Kenpachi know about this?"

Rubbing his brow with his middle finger, Ikkaku said, "It was his idea, bright boy. He felt the squad needed a strong mother figure." Hisagi growled, but let the gesture slide.

It was Yumi who explained. "Yachiru started asking some questions about growing up that make Kenpachi uncomfortable, so Kenpachi decided that we should find a mother for Yachiru, and of course, that means a bride for Kenpachi."

A smile curving onto his face, Kira chuckled, "So, how's the matchmaking from the depths of Hueco Mundo going for you?"

Yumichika's shoulders slumped. "Not so great," he admitted, tensing at Kira's comment. But he really couldn't disagree. The morning had been grueling, and half way through the afternoon, they were no closer to finding a mother for Yachiru than they had been. "These people are useless and we've interviewed all the seated officers on the sly, but not one of them fit the bill."

"Ruled them all out," nodded Ikkaku.

Hisagi looked at Kira who was re-reading the paperwork. "How'd you manage that?"

Yumi smiled with self-satisfaction. "We asked each one a hypothetical question and we assessed their answers. My idea, actually."

"I probably would have thought of it too," said Ikkaku, a bit too defensively.

"I'm sure you would have too, Ikkaku, given a clue and a lot more time," Yumichika gave him a quick pat on the head, wiping his hand off on Ikkaku's sleeve. "Sweat is so gauche, Ikkaku."

"So how did it go?" asked Hisagi.

Yumi fluttered his other hand in the air, waving it in dismissal. "Let's just say that I certainly wouldn't want any of those women to be the mother of _my_ future children, all of whom will most certainly have their father's good looks."

"Of course," agreed Kira politely. "What did they say?"

Yumichika nodded at Kira's obvious good sense. "For starters, SoiFon said the best way to discipline a child is to be tough, beat some obedience into them and let them figure it out on their own."

"I liked her answer," defended Ikkaku, "but that's not what Kenpachi's looking for."

"Of course, you'd like it," said Hisagi, rolling his eyes. "It's violent."

"Too violent. I have to agree with Kenpachi," said Kira, crossing his arms. "Children need direction. Consistency. Discipline needs to be fair and age appropriate, don't you think, Hisagi?"

He shrugged. "What do I look like, her mother? We're talking about Yachiru here, not some normal kid."

Ikkaku grunted. "I still say harsh punishment never hurt anyone."

"Need I remind you that SoiFon was talking about solitary confinement for chewing with an open mouth?" said Yumichika.

"Oh, yeah, the whole 'if you can't chew correctly in polite company, then you need to be permanently removed from any and all company for an indefinite amount of time.'"

"Oh, honestly!" tsked Kira. "Polite talk breeds polite children. Yachiru's smart. You sit her down and talk to her, explain what she did wrong and why, and if she promises to never do it again, then you give her candy. That's how she'll learn, not this locking her away stuff."

Ikkaku shrugged. "Yeah, well, Soi Fon's out of the running, so it doesn't matter."

Hisagi asked, "Did you like any of the officers' answers?"

"Well, we did like Isane and Unahana's answers," said Yumi. "Both of them said that a sniffling child should immediately be removed from the home setting and put in the infirmary, under the care of the medics. Obviously, their concern is to get the child well as quickly as possible without the spread of germs."

"Sounds good to me," shrugged Hisagi.

Kira huffed indignantly. "You'd make a horrible mother, Shuuhei. In a hospital setting for a case of sniffles? Ridiculous!" He tsked again. "Typical medical types."

"What's so ridiculous?" asked Yumi. "They would be right there to watch over the child."

The blond huffed again. "Can you say 'overkill'?"

"'Overkill.'" Ikkaku shrugged his shoulders. "What's so hard about that?"

Hisagi snickered and Yumichika snorted. He was appalled at the noise, covering with a dainty cough. Under normal circumstances, a sound like that would never have left his nostrils, but the day was weighing heavily on him. If they didn't find a mother for Yachiru soon, heaven forbid, he might start making armpit noises for the sheer entertainment value. But, in spite of his ennui, he was finding Kira's answers to be rather interesting.

"Why take a child away from the comforts of home for the sniffles?" Kira crossed his arms. "What Yachiru would need is chicken soup, lots of rest, fluids, and a mother's love, all topped with a healthy dose of candy. That will make any child better in no time. I know. My mother used to do that with me all the time."

"I suppose a child, or Yachiru, could benefit from that," said Yumi. "Perhaps they were being too clinical."

"Ya think?"

Yumichika cocked his head at Kira. "You seem to know a lot about handling children, Kira."

Kira smiled, a slight blush creeping onto his cheeks. "It's a gift."

Hisagi glanced at his friend and smiled at his unusual show of confidence, before turning his attention back to the other two. It was true. Kira seemed to know a lot about children, much more than Hisagi could ever hope to, but he had a question too. "What about … you know," his face turned a light pink color, "that time of the month. What'd they say about that?"

Ikkaku snorted this time, making no attempt to cover it up. "Nanao said she'd lock the child up until she was past a marriageable age …"

"Seems like everyone wants to lock her up," noted Kira.

Hisagi rolled his eyes. "Dude, it's Yachiru. Best place for her."

"… and Rangiku would want to take the girl out partying to celebrate her womanhood with the possibility of losing it almost immediately."

Yumi added, "And Nemu got really scientific on us."

Kira seethed. "How is that a mother's love? Those women have no right to be around a budding young girl! What Yachiru needs is someone who understands the delicate changes that are happening to her body. She needs someone to tell her about boys, not lock her up in a room for the rest of her life, and she certainly doesn't need to be losing anything at such a young age. Her flowering womanhood is sacred. It should be explained. Her questions should be asked and answered in the gentlest way possible so that she understands what a gift her womanhood is."

"Questions like, what are these things?" Ikkaku grabbed Hisagi's chest and cupped a pair of imaginary breasts.

Hisagi pushed him away. "Hey! I usually charge for that!"

"Go on, Kira," urged Yumi. "Ignore them. They're both perverts."

"You laugh, but that's exactly what I mean. When her tender young breasts start to bud, who's going to explain what's happening and go with her for her first bra fitting? And don't tell me Rangiku. Yachiru would end up in a slinky push-up bra with nothing to push up. Besides," he leveled a glare at Hisagi and Ikkaku, "she'll need someone to explain to her what a young girl should expect from young men."

Amused, Hisagi fanned the catalog he was still holding. "You mean, warn her about what dogs we really are?"

"That's right, Hisagi. A dog like you I'd keep far away from my daughter."

"And after that?" asked Yumi, smiling to himself.

"After that? Why, after we've had our talk and she understands her wondrous new body, I'd treat her to ice cream. And candy."

"Sounds like a plan. C'mon, Kira, enough girl talk," said Hisagi, slapping the palm of his hand with the sweets magazine. "Fun's over. I still have to deliver this catalog to Captain Ukitake."

Kira shook his head and handed the paper he was still holding back to the other two Soul Reapers. "Well, I'm sorry we couldn't help. Pity, really. You two are no closer to finding a mother for Yachiru than you were before we arrived."

Yumichika glanced at Kira, and then Ikkaku. "Oh, I don't know," said Yumi brightly. "I'm not that worried about it any more."

"You're not?" asked Ikkaku, a bit bewildered.

"Well, that's good. Good luck then." Kira nodded as he and Hisagi said a quick good-bye and headed off in the direction of the thirteenth. When they were out of hearing, Yumi raised his hand and spoke to the guards. "You can let them go now."

"They can?"

"Thank you, girls, we won't be needing you." The bevy of relieved woman scattered in all directions, running as quickly as they could.

"We won't?"

Yumi turned to his bald friend. "Come on, Ikkaku. We have a wedding to plan."

"We do? Damn, we're good."


	2. Chapter 2

Again, I don't own Bleach or profit in any way from it. Bcollie9 drew artwork based on this chapter. You can see it here - http:/bcollie9. / art/ A-Mother-For-Yachiru-258142995 (take out the spaces.)

In answer to a question, yes, I'm still working on Herculean Tasks of Shuuhei Hisagi. I have a lot written and as soon as I figure out a transition, I'll be posting more.

Thank you for the lovely reviews! I hope to see more. ;) Enjoy the second chapter!

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><p>A few days later, Izuru Kira found himself married to Kenpachi Zaraki and a mother to Yachiru. It happened one night when he was sleeping soundly in his bed. Rudely awakened by intruders, he was tied up, blindfolded and gagged, then secreted away to the eleventh division where he was promptly dressed in a white tuxedo and hauled down the make-shift aisle in the battered practice arena.<p>

The battle-bruised arena had been freshly painted with only the occasional scuffmark showing through the paint. It had been transformed into an almost shimmering palace with white garlands and flowers, netting drifting from the ceiling as if attached to nothing, and a mostly white runner dividing the rag-tag assortment of chairs on which sat a rag-tag assortment of Shinigami from the eleventh division, dressed in what passed for their best. Yachiru, the flower girl, had bounced happily down the aisle, strewing camellia petals and a few weeds she had picked, in the faces of people who had been foolish enough to sit in the aisle seats. Kenpachi was dressed in a black tuxedo that, like the arena, had seen better days. His hair was slicked back, each bell shined to perfection.

The ceremony had been short. A still bound and gagged Kira had been dragged down the aisle by Yumichika and Ikkaku who served as best men because no one better could be found in the middle of the night. When the time came for the "I do's," Kenpachi had taken Kira's tied hands in his, gave Yachiru a wistful look, and squeezed the blonde's hands hard enough to elicit a muffled yelp. His tender, grateful look as he said, "I do," would have made even the most battle-hardened Shinigami sniff back a tear or two.

At Kira's turn, Yumichika lowered the gag enough for an angry Kira to shout "I DO…" and then shoved it back into place. Kira's intention had been to shout "I DO NOT!" He quickly realized the fallacy of those exact words.

The newlywed couple and their little daughter honeymooned in Kenpachi's dingy apartment with the captain and his little lieutenant happily playing games like piñata and tackle dummy with the new bride and mother, who was, of course, still tied and gagged.

It wasn't long before Kira settled down and began to make the most of his situation. Being a seated officer and currently in charge of his division, he still had duties to attend. At first, he had complained about needing to get back to his division, but Kenpachi had made arrangements for both divisions to train together. Kira found himself surrounded by members of the eleventh constantly. They were a rough and tumble group, but he soon discovered that the women felt particularly indebted to him and would help him in any way that they could, including keeping the men in line.

It was quite strange at first, but Kenpachi's eleventh brought out some of the aggression in Kira's own third. He found that he liked the change in them. They had stepped up to the challenge of Kira's husband's squad and done him proud.

At night, he went home with Kenpachi. Theirs was a completely platonic marriage, in name only, but Kenpachi took it as seriously as he took his fighting. As long as Kira was willing to look after Yachiru who was beginning to cling to him even during the day, Kenpachi seemed content to do whatever Kira asked of him and not beat the snot out of him.

For Kira, while he hadn't appreciated being kidnapped and forced into a marriage with a man and a ready-made kid, he found that he was content. In truth, he missed his friend, Hisagi. But as a wife and mother, he knew that he couldn't continue to hang around bars and get drunk like they used to do. Hisagi just wasn't kid-friendly material. He had a family now and to Kira, that was a little slice of heaven, something he had wanted since his own family had died so long ago.

As such, he took his duties seriously, grateful that he had lived past his honeymoon to see himself in his new role. Besides, Kenpachi was surprisingly good to him, his division was advancing in ways that he could never have achieved on his own, and he didn't even mind when Yachiru began to call him "Mama."

His own effect on the eleventh soon became evident as well. People marveled at how well the two divisions had adapted to each other and at how easily the former ruffians of the eleventh listened to Kira. It was obvious to all that he had discovered a way to control the whole lot of them, some sort of secret weapon, but no one knew what it was. There was speculation, of course. Perhaps Kenpachi had rubbed off on him and he had taken up some of his more brutal ways. That rumor held as little water as a hole in a Hollow. Sexual favors were guessed by some. While they speculated about Kira's more delicate nature, it wasn't all that likely either. To anyone's knowledge, Kira was a wife in name only, not in bed position. So what had caused the change? Plying them with alcohol? Drugs? Sedatives? Maybe blackmail. No one knew for certain.

The most curious of all was Hisagi. His meek friend had turned into a vice captain to be reckoned with. While he was happy for him, he was also confused and worried. It wasn't just what Kira had done to the eleventh; what had the eleventh done to Kira?

One day, Hisagi was lounging beneath a tree, his paperwork finished early for a change. It was a rare respite with no deadlines looming over him either. Eyes half closed, movement across the way caught his attention. Kira was out with his men, parading through the grounds in an exercise. He watched as the blond brought his men to halt and held up a hand.

"Okay, we're going into the Rukongai for patrol, so behave yourselves. You're representing the third and the eleventh, but don't act normal. Act nice like you're members of the ninth. No swearing, no sword fighting. If you must fight, fight to the death, but no unnecessary killing. Is that understood?"

The men in line mumbled half-heartedly. They may have changed some, but Kira was still working with them on the "no unnecessary killing" part of their training.

"Is that understood?" the vice captain repeated, a little louder this time.

Again, more mumbling.

"Your mother asked you a question!" snapped Kenpachi from the back of the line. "Now answer him right. No swearing, no sword fighting and no disrespecting women. And above all else, keep the killing to a minimum. Is that understood?"

"Thank you, Ken-chan, but I can handle this." He smiled and said in a sing-song voice, "If you behave, there will be something special for you back at the barracks. Understood?"

"You better behave good," screamed Yachiru, "or you'll have me to answer to! Right, Mama?"

He patted her head as she clung to his leg, her normal spot of Kira leeching. "Yes, Yachiru. I'm sure the men don't want to disappoint you. Do you, men?"

"No, sir!"

"Good! Now line up single file by height!"

As the underling soul reapers milled about, shuffling around until they found their proper places, Kira broke away from them, dashing over to Hisagi.

Hisagi greeted him pleasantly. It had been some time since they had last hung out together. "'Zuru, long time no see. How's married life?"

Kira glanced over his shoulder at his men. Looking almost frantic, he brushed off the small talk. "Listen, Shuuhei, I know I haven't been around much and I'm really not trying to keep Yachiru away from your bad influence. After all, I can't exactly keep her away from Ikkaku either, can I? But I'd appreciate it if you'd just listen and not make a big deal out of it right now, okay? It's really not about you. It's just life as a mother, you know, so get over it. We're still friends and I need a favor."

Kira's mouth was flying a mile a minute, spewing the pseudo-apology and request. Hisagi puzzled only briefly at his rattled friend, before his curiosity got the better of him. "Sure, Kira. What's up?"

"Please don't ask any questions. Go to Captain Hitsugaya and tell him I sent you. He'll have some large packages for you. Take them back to my office and whatever you do, don't let any one else see them. Okay?"

"Sure, what's in the packages?"

"The less you know the better."

Shuuhei shrugged. It wasn't like Kira to be so secretive, or so talkative, but he guessed that his friend had a good reason for the cloak and dagger.

"We're taking the squads into town today, so if you could do this for me before I get back, I'd really appreciate it. It's important, Shuuhei. My married life depends on it."

"Sure, Kira."

He shrugged, bewildered, as the blond ran back to his squads, barking orders as he went. "Ken-chan, you're slouching again and what did I tell you about wearing that tattered old haori? Yachiru, if you're going to chew gum, chew like a young lady, or it goes on your nose for the rest of the day. Ikkaku, did you use sunscreen on your head like I told you to?" He led his pack of men through the gates, a proud Kenpachi bringing up the rear, and out into the unsuspecting Rukongai.

Hisagi smiled and shook his head before moving to complete his errand. Who'd have believed that a mother for Yachiru would have tamed the eleventh?

Still chuckling over the change he had just witnessed, Hisagi knocked on the door to the tenth.

"Come in." Opening the door, he saw Captain Hitsugaya standing next to one of the tall shelves in his office, perusing a book. "Oh, good. You're just what I need, Hisagi. I need the fifth book from the right on the top shelf. I'd ask my lieutenant, but as you can see, she's taking her beauty nap … again … for all the good it does."

"Yes, sir." Hisagi glanced at the couch where a sleeping Rangiku was sprawled, then dutifully reached up and pulled the thick volume down from the shelf.

"Put it over there, will you?" The diminutive captain pointed toward his desk. "You wanted to see me about something?"

"Yes, sir," said Hisagi. "Kira sent me. He said you had a package for hi…" Faster than lightning, Hitsugaya flew to Hisagi, covering his mouth with his hand.

"Quiet, you fool! You never know who's listening!" He gave a pointed look in Rangiku's direction. "I have to make sure she's still asleep." The captain tiptoed over to the lounge where she slept and blew softly in her ear. "Oh, Rangiku," he cooed. "I have sake."

The woman shifted her massive chest, but settled back down into slumber. "Hmph, figures that she'd sleep the soundest when on duty." He folded his arms over his chest. "Why didn't Kira come himself?"

"He said he was taking his troops into town and he needed whatever you have for him by the time he comes back."

"I see. He goes through it fast," said Hitsugaya rubbing his chin. "He trusts you?"

"Yes, sir."

"Can I trust you?"

"Yes, sir." His response came with a little question mark at the end, as in an unspoken "trust me with what?"

The captain heaved a sigh. "Come on then, Hisagi. Let's get this over with."

He led Shuuhei into a back storage room full of large boxes filled with office supplies and extra uniforms. Shoving aside a phalanx of boxes marked with a sign that read "Orders for Matsumoto: sort these boxes!" in big red letters, the diminutive captain squeezed behind them into a small space that was only visible if the stacks were moved.

"Come back here and help me," he ordered.

Shuuhei eased himself into the space beside Hitsugaya. His eyes traveled around the alcove. Stacks of small packages and baskets were lined up next to each other, all arranged so that they were no higher than the walls of boxes surrounding them. In the middle stood a small cushioned chair with a book spread-eagled open on it. It looked like a small, cozy get-away that Matsumoto might have made, but the chair was obviously not designed for a woman her size.

He cocked his head in amusement. "Does Rangiku know about this, sir?"

"Matsumoto will never find it because she's too lazy to touch those boxes." A small tremor shook his shoulders as the captain sighed. "There are times when I need a short break, understood?"

Hisagi maintained a straight face. "Short break. Yes, sir. Understood."

"Are you purposely trying my patience, lieutenant?"

"No, sir."

"Good, then hold this," said the diminutive captain as he held out a large empty box marked Office Supplies. Without a word, the captain went to work, filling first one box, then two more, with every kind of candy imaginable, large and small, colorful and sickeningly sweet. Gummy bears and worms, black licorice butterflies, cream filled caramel hollows, taffy Chappies and marshmallow puffballs, sourballs with captains' faces on them, and stick candy in the shape of zanpakutou, enough sweets to keep Yachiru happy for at least a year. By the time he was finished, his stash of candy had gone down considerably, and three boxes were loaded to the brim with sweet treats.

Hisagi exited the alcove, his arms full. The three boxes were all a good size, and they, combined with two full baskets, were rather awkward to hold, but they settled into a manageable pile in his arms. He watched as Hitsugaya squeezed out of the small alcove and carefully rearranged the other boxes to conceal the alcove once again.

After a quick check to make sure his own lieutenant was still asleep, Hitsugaya led Hisagi back into the office and towards the door. Jerking it open and peering outside, he looked back over his shoulder. "I think it's clear. Now, go. Take those to Kira. Tell him if he needs more to come back tomorrow. Whatever you do, don't let Captain Ukitake see you. And Hisagi," the captain said quietly, glaring at the vice captain to convey the earnest threat behind his words, "if you mention a word of this, especially to Ukitake, I will deny it. Do you understand, Vice Captain Hisagi?"

Hisagi nodded, but couldn't help adding, "Understood, but I'm a little confused, sir. I thought you liked Captain Ukitake's gifts." He thought back on all of the catalogs he had delivered to the white haired man. If Hitsugaya's secreted stash was any indication, Ukitake must be ordering from the catalog several times a month.

The small captain gritted his teeth, his eyes glinting a cold ice fire within. "I. Prefer. Fresh. Fruit! FRESH! FRUIT!" Without further ceremony, he pushed Hisagi out the door and closed it roughly behind him.

Shuuhei stood on the porch, weighing the warnings from both Kira and Hitsugaya. It was clear to him why Captain Hitsugaya had warned him to avoid Captain Ukitake. The older man might not appreciate that his gifts to his Whitey-chan were being given away. If that was the case, then he would have to take a longer, more circuitous route to the third in order to avoid Captain Ukitake. It wouldn't pay to be caught now, especially after all of the warnings he had received.

But he still wanted to know why boxes of candy were so important to Kira's married life. It didn't make sense. Yachiru ate a lot of candy, but even she would have trouble with the amount he held in his arms. Puzzling it over in his mind, he started to take a step off the porch just as a loud shout emanated from inside the office of the tenth. "IN YOUR DREAMS, MATSUMOTO! I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT HAVE SAKE!"


	3. Chapter 3

"We haf a runner," came the pained shout.

"Oh, le' her go. No one care-sh. Nexsht! Ow!" Yumichika massaged his long fingers gently over his sore jaw to ease the pain. The indignity of this kind of pain made him cringe. If only this had been battle pain, he would have gladly withstood it silently. But it wasn't, and so he didn't. "Damn that Kira."

"How ma-y mo', Yumishchika?" asked the bald man beside him. Ikkaku shifted the ice pack to the other side.

"Shtop shpitting on me, Ikkyaku. Itsh not vewy prih-y. My turn fo' the eyesh pack."

As he reached for the iced treasure, Ikkaku pulled it back out of the way. "No! It'sh mine! Ge' yer own." A small struggle ensued until finally, both men declared pain to be the winner and gave up.

"Can we jush get dish over wit'?" griped Yumi. "I hate when I ashully _need_ my beau-y nap."

"I think I'm ge-ing a shunburn on my head! Damn Kira."

The two soul reapers shuffled half-heartedly through papers on a table in the courtyard as a ragged line of unhappy women stood before them, guarded by equally-unhappy looking members of the eleventh. A low grumble of unintelligible words cascaded through the grounds as the soul reapers made their displeasure and pain known to each other. It was not a good day for members of the eleventh. And the third was not doing much better.

Both squads had been doing incredibly well for months, even going so far as to win the prestigious _Yamamoto Mojo Award_ for best teamwork and the _Genryuusai Genocide Award_ for toughest divisions in the Seireitei. Kira had been proud of his working relationship with Kenpachi. Both squads had benefited. He had even won the coveted _Most Improved Squad Leader of the Month_ award for his ability to control both squads so effortlessly. Everyone knew he had a secret weapon, but no one outside of the third and eleventh had been able to figure out what it was. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to be working any more.

On his way to deliver another catalog to Captain Ukitake, Hisagi spied a despondent Kira sitting on the ground behind a large oak tree, sighing as if his world had been torn in two. A large bottle of lukewarm sake was in one hand, another lay on its side on the ground.

Hisagi, of course, had heard about the divorce and felt horrible for his friend. News traveled fast when it came to the odd pairing of Kenpachi and Kira. On the home front, Kira had been a good wife and Kenpachi had proven to be quite accommodating about his mate's position in the third, as well as the housework. And Yachiru, the reason Kira was in this situation to begin with, had clung not only to his leg, but also to his every word. He had been a good wife and mother.

But, last night, Kira had been unceremoniously thrown out of the eleventh barracks. The preceding fight had been loud and punctuated with swearing the likes of which most people in the Thirteen Court Guard Squads had never heard before…and that was saying a lot. Kira had been heard pleading and repeatedly saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." For his part, Kenpachi's voice had been muffled, but it had sounded like he had been in excruciating pain. Kira's declarations of "but you needed it" were drowned out by Yachiru's crying and Kenpachi's calling him "the worst sadist that had ever lived or died" and wishing that he were a hollow so that Kenpachi could "dispatch him where he stood."

No one knew for sure what had caused the tiff, but one thing was certain. Kira was no longer a mother to Yachiru. A quickie divorce was moving along at breakneck speed and from the actions of everyone at both divisions, it was obvious that whatever he had done, Kira had upset everyone.

Hisagi took a seat on the grass next to his friend. "How's it going?" he asked in a quiet, worried voice.

Kira looked up and sniffed back a tear as he waved the bottle in the air. "Nobody likes me any more, Shuuhei. I know we haven't spent much time together recently, but you still like me, don't you?"

Hisagi put a comforting hand on Kira's shoulder. "Of course, I do, Kira. We're buddies, remember?"

Kira blew a vinegary breath on him. "You're my only friend. Have a drink." He held the sake bottle unsteadily in front of Shuuhei's face. "We'll drink to fri-friendship."

Hisagi hesitated. "I don't know, Kira. I'm on duty."

"I thought you were my friend. You used to drink with me. I can unnerstan' that I'm not good enough for Kenpachi and Yachiru, but you? Now I'm not good enough for you either? " he accused.

Taking the bottle, Hisagi took a swig and tried to hand it back. "There? Happy?"

"No." Kira may have been drunk, but he was a quick drunk. Faster than Shuuhei could react, Kira pushed him over and forced the bottle to Hisagi's lips, the acidic liquid spilling a bit down his front, but mainly into his mouth, stinging his throat as it went down.

He came up sputtering. "What the hell, 'Zuru?"

"Now I'm happy." The blond pulled him into a tight embrace and slobbered, "I've missed you, ol' pal."

"Okay. Okay." Laughing, Shuuhei pushed him away and took another drink of the cheap brew. Captain Ukitake could wait a little while longer for his catalog. The sake was bitter and strong, earthy smelling, but it tasted better than Hisagi remembered. Since Kira had stopped drinking, he had slowed his consumption too. Sitting beneath the tree with Kira and a couple of bottles of rice wine suddenly seemed to be the right thing to do. They sat and drank, as Hisagi quickly caught up to Kira. He had missed his drinking buddy and was making up for lost time. A companionable, drunken silence surrounded them, until Izuru spoke, shaking his head mournfully. "I'm a failure as a mother."

Dangling the bottle from his fingers, Hisagi eyed his friend curiously. He had seen Kira in the dumps before, especially after Gin Ichimaru had deserted, but Kira had been angry at being a pawn then and had immersed himself in drink. He didn't have the best self-confidence and had questioned himself and his role in it all, but even at rock bottom, he had never considered himself a failure. Now he was drowning his troubles in drink again. Something had to be seriously wrong. It would have worried Hisagi a bit more if the sake hadn't hit him so hard and fast. He'd have to build up his tolerance again, the dark-haired vice captain realized. Shaking his head to clear it, he asked, "Why do you say that, Kira? You're a better mother than I could ever be."

Kira grunted and reached for the bottle. "Everyone knows that, Shuuhei." Hisagi raised an eyebrow as Kira tilted the sake to his lips and swallowed. His voice turned wistful. "They were like family to me. Yumi with his helpful dec-decorating tips. And Ikka-kaku. I was constantly reminding him to apply sunsc-screen to his head. He was finally starting to listen to me." He swung his arms wide, the sake bottle sloshing through the air. "I blew it, Shuuhei. I blew it big time. I let them all down. If only I had …" The sentence was left unfinished as his head dropped onto his knees.

"If only you had what, Kira?" urged Hisagi, forcing down a hiccup.

"If only I hadn't forg-forgotten what every good m-mother knows." He leaned towards Hisagi and whispered. "I forced them." He grabbed his head, barely missing a good knock to the noggin with the sake bottle, and covered his ears as if trying to block out the cacophony of yesterday echoing through his mind. "The threats, the pleading. 'Don't make me do this!' They were terrified!"

Hisagi quirked his good eyebrow, the corner of his mouth turning up in a slight smile. "The eleventh? Terrified? What did you do? Make them wash behind their ears?" A snicker escaped his lips before he could stop it. It seemed to him that the situation really shouldn't have been that funny.

Kira ignored him, hugging his legs and curling around the sake bottle in his hand. "It was terrible, Shuuhei! I thought I was being a good mother, but all of that crying and wailing and the tears… I have never seen such pain and ag-agony before in all of my days. I failed, Shuuhei. Not only am I a t-terrible mother, but I'm a horrible wi-wife." Kira paused dramatically, his eyes widening. "Oh, Shuuhei. Poor Kenpa-pachi was the worst. That poor, dear man. It nearly killed him!"

Hisagi blinked. "Really? What'd you do? Take away his bells? Snap his eyepiece?" he chuckled at his own joke, thinking he might have had just a bit too much to drink.

Straightening, Kira shook his head as if that would make it all go away. All it did was give him a headache. He missed the big lug he had called 'husband' for so many months. And Yachiru, she had become like a daughter to him. Now, neither one were talking to him. The eleventh ignored him and last night, even his own squad hadn't welcomed him back.

He peered at his friend through watery eyelashes and cried, "It was my secret weapon, Sh-Shuuhei. It was just too dangerous to use without proper p-precautions."

Confusion rattling his alcohol-soaked brain, Hisagi took a moment before answering. Finally, he hiccupped and said slowly, "But, Kira, I thought your secret weapon was the candy that Hitsugaya gets from Ukitake." It had taken him most of the previous evening to puzzle it out, but he had come to the conclusion that it wasn't drugs, alcohol or even blackmail that was keeping the unruly squads in line. It was candy; specifically, the candy from Hitsugaya. And Hisagi had also realized that his fellow vice captain wasn't using it to control just Yachiru. It would have taken Yachiru and a lot more people to eat the amount of candy that Hisagi had carted to Kira's office. As he had figured out last night, Kira had been bribing proper conduct out of both the third and the eleventh squads, positively reinforcing their good behavior with copious amounts of candy. He had the strange vision of Kenpachi sitting up on his hind quarters begging for candy like a hound dog. It made him giggle.

"You laugh, but don't you see?" moaned Kira, grabbing the armhole of Hisagi's uniform. "It was dangerous. I should have – I should have known better." He paused to take a drink, then held the bottle up for Shuuhei who thoughtfully unburdened him of the sake. "I got carried away with my own power and over-overlooked the welfare of my family. Sure, I used candy as a r-reward, and it made Yach-Yachi-the little pink haired girl happy…"

"Yachiru. _Hic_."

"…Yeah, that's it, but after what happened yesterday, no one is talking to me and Kenpachi is divorcing me and already looking for a new mother for her." He sniffed, then his eyes popped open at a sudden thought. "Hitsu-Hitsu-that guy's probably mad at me too! He's gonna be stuck with all that candy again."

Shaking Kira off, Hisagi squeezed the distressed man's shoulder. After a long pull at the bottle, he glanced slyly at the catalog he was supposed to be delivering and hicced again. "He'll get over it, Kira," he reassured. "I've put Captain Uki-Ukitake's name on a mailing list for fresh fru-fruit deliveries."

Kira leaned in and put his forehead against Hisagi's. "You're a good friend, Shuuster, ol' buddy."

"And you're a good wife and mother, Kira, ol' man." After an awkward moment, he peered under his friend's blond bangs. Maybe it was his curiosity, maybe it was the sake, but he had to know. What had happened that had ended in Kira being divorced and thrown out of the eleventh. "So what's this all about anyway?"

"It's all my fault," said the blond sadly, sobering a little. "If only I could take their pain away from them…"

"That's a wonderfully motherly thoughtly, Izuzu, so tell ol' Shuuster all about it. What happened?"

Kira concentrated on the blue stripe across his nose as Hisagi's eyes crossed and uncrossed. "I forgot something really important. A good mother would never have forgotten. A good mother would have insisted!"

"You've been a wonderful mother to … the little pink haired girl, Kira. To all of squad eleven and your own, too. Don't let one little slip-up get you down. Slip up? Get you down? Get it?" He snorted at his own play on words.

Blinking away the tears, Kira wiped his nose on his sleeve. "You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"So? It's the truth." The words came out the side of his mouth as he swallowed some more sake.

"You don't know the half of it," the blond insisted stubbornly.

"So tell me," he said, not bothering to remove the bottle from his lips.

"It was a massive slip-up, Shuuhei." He reached for the sake bottle, but Shuuhei slapped his hand away. He hadn't indulged for awhile and wasn't in the mood to share.

"So you've –_hic _said. It couldn't have been that bad," he cajoled.

"I'm such a failure!" Kira's voice was quickly rising in pitch. "I can't even hold onto a sake bottle!"

"Here," said Hisagi, thrusting the bottle at him, "Take the damn thing. See, you got sake. You're a drunk, not a f-failure."

"You're drunk too," protested Kira.

"Yeah, but I'm not divorced."

"That's mean," pouted Kira loudly.

Hisagi threw his arms around his buddy, taking back the bottle in the process. "Shh-shh-shh. Now, now, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, Kira."

"I'm sorry too, Shuu."

They hugged for a moment before Hisagi asked again, "Tell me what ha-happened, o-okay?"

"I f-failed them."

"Damn it, Kira!" yelled Hisagi, slamming the sake bottle on the ground, "You told me that already!"

Startled by the outburst, Kira's eyes went wide as he wailed, "THEY ALL HAD CAVITIES! I made both squads go to the dentist and every single one of them had cavities!"

Kira put his head in his hand, tears rolling down his cheeks. The dam had burst. His tender heart ached from the ragged tear right down the middle and his ears rang as guilt-tinged, sake-filled blood rushed through his veins. He cried out, "I forgot to make them brush their teeth! They weren't flossing either! I always floss. Why couldn't they? I tried to make Ken-chan understand the importance of flossing, but he was the worst. Just wouldn't do it and they all followed his example. That stubborn man!"

"Cavities?" Eyebrows rising in surprise, Hisagi voice rose an octave, "Cavities?" Momentarily stunned, he broke into gales of raucous laughter, partly due to relief from worry, but mostly because he found it so damned funny. It shouldn't have been funny, but the sake must have hit his funny bone and drenched it. Wiping a tear from his eye, he tried to catch his breath. "You forgot to make them brush their teeth! I've been worried about you because you forgot to make them brush their teeth?"

Kira looked indignant. "They had cavities. And they weren't flossing. This is serious, Shuuhei." He pointed angrily towards to Yumichika and Ikkaku. "They're looking for another mother for Yachiru as we speak!"

"All because Kenpachi wouldn't floss?" the dark haired man hiccuped and howled. "Maybe you should have held sex over his head!"

Kira protested, "We didn't have sex!"

"That's what I mean! You should have threatened him with it!" cried Hisagi. When did he get so damned funny? "Maybe Yachiru's next mom can make her brush!"

"If he had just flossed and brushed his teeth, she would have too and this could have all been prevented." He pressed his point over Hisagi's whoops of drunken laughter. "Now she's afraid of the dentist! They're all afraid of the dentist, especially Kenpachi!" Kira watched furiously as Hisagi rolled on the ground now, holding his gut and panting from exertion. "He had seven cavities!"

Hisagi slapped his knee. He should have felt bad about laughing, but just couldn't bring himself to stop. The sake had taken care of that. "I can't wait to tell Renji so he can tell Kurosaki and Kuchiki. The next time Kenpachi wants to fight them, they can just pull out a dental pick and tell him to open wide! Instant victory! HA!" He wailed, "Thanks to you, Kenpachi's afraid of the dentist! No wonder they're looking for a new mother. You've traumatized two whole divisions!"

The fits of laughter from his supposed best friend sobered Kira right up. All of Kira's training with the eleventh division came together at just at that moment. The divorce may not have been his idea, but he was still loyal to his husband and daughter. Hisagi was in hysterics and never saw it coming as Kira screamed, "I SUPPOSE YOU CAN DO BETTER?"

* * *

><p>The man in the white coat pulled the sharp instrument from the battered mouth of the quivering, spiky-haired, tattooed patient in his chair. "Why, yes, Lieutenant Hisagi, you had to have extensive bridge work, I'm afraid, and I filled a cavity or two as well. I'd suggest staying out of the way of Lieutenant Kira's fist next time. Between the sake and the anesthesia, you'll be groggy for awhile," he said as he unclipped the paper bib and helped the wobbly lieutenant to the door of the waiting room, "so your new husband and daughter are here to take you home." He gave the suddenly panicked man a push into the waiting arms of Kenpachi and Yachiru. As he watched them drag him away, he called, "Congratulations, and don't forget to floss."<p> 


End file.
